The Ugly Couch

By Sarah Hogue, Director of Children’s Ministry

2020 has brought with it more than its share of grief! Some of us are grieving the loss of a loved one. Others grieve the loss of treasured traditions, festive gatherings, and meaningful time with our loved ones. This Christmas looks different than any we have experienced before, and the weight of grief feels so heavy that many of us may be experiencing a “blue Christmas” this year. How can we manage the grief we feel during “the most wonderful time of the year”?

In her book, Leaving Time, Jodi Picoult explains grief this way: “I think grief is like a really ugly couch. It never goes away. You can decorate around it; you can slap a doily on top of it; you can push it to the corner of the room–but eventually, you learn to live with it.”

When our grief is fresh, we tend to sit on the couch and sink into it. We let it fold around us and it seems as if it will never let us go. As the old wisdom saying reminds us, it is time that has the ability to heal the wounds of grief.  In time, we do get up from the couch. Then, as Picoult describes, we are tempted to decorate around the grief and pretend it is not there. We try to live with it by ignoring it. I have found that such denial is no way to deal with grief 

I recently read an article that encourages us to replace the word “but” with “and” in our thoughts and speech.  When we use “but” to connect two thoughts, it often negates the importance of the first part of the sentence. The word “and” gives both thoughts equal weight.  For example, we tend to say, “I am upset that I can’t have Christmas like I am used to, BUT I am grateful that my family is healthy.” Here the word “but” makes it sound as though we are trying to minimize our grief and disappointment. If we use the word “and” instead, suddenly we give equal weight to both thoughts. We can grieve and give thanks simultaneously. This allows us to acknowledge the grief instead of pretending it does not exist, and at the same time cultivate gratitude.

I remember the first time that ignoring my grief did not work for me. I lost both of my parents, seven months apart, in 2008-2009.  A couple years later, my cousin and her family decided to join us for Thanksgiving weekend. We had the best time! I remember saying, “This is the best Thanksgiving!” and then feeling guilty.  How could it be the best if my parents were gone? Wasn’t I supposed to feel sad that they weren’t there? How could I be happy when they are gone? That weekend gave me a chance to insert an “and” into my thinking: I really miss my parents at Thanksgiving time, AND I had a great Thanksgiving with my family. In that moment, I started a journey to acknowledge that I missed them and to enjoy the life around me.

As 2020 comes to a close, I encourage you to acknowledge the losses you have experienced, and at the same time be thankful for the blessings you still have.  AND, let us all pray that 2021 looks a lot different!