Grace Over Guilt

By Julie Willoughby, Director of Dutilh Preschool

What started out as an innocent game of “tickling” with my 8-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter a few weeks ago quickly turned into a wrestling match that led to tears.  After I had asked them to stop (I tend to see these types of scenarios unfolding), they continued to “play” until my daughter Claire was crying.  I became easily frustrated at the situation, as I knew I had asked them to stop several times.  After expressing my frustration, my own tears welled up inside.  I didn’t want to lose my patience, but there it was.  The mom guilt kicked in fast. 

Over the years of parenthood, and especially now coming out of a tumultuous pandemic year, I’ve heard so many parents, myself included, share about feelings of “guilt.” As a mother, I can relate firsthand to these feelings of inadequacy and imperfection.  Although God does not give us a spirit of fear or unworthiness, I know this is something we all, as parents, can struggle with.  I ran across a definition several weeks ago about mom guilt that says, “Mom guilt is a pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing things right, or making decisions that may ‘mess up’ your kids in the long run.” 

Wow, can any of you moms or dads relate?  If we are being completely honest and transparent, most of us can admit that we’ve messed up a time or two when it comes to parenting.   It can be so easy to get in the habit of putting ourselves down as parents and feeling insecure about the ways in which we parent.  

For one thing, we aren’t perfect.  We all fall short (Romans 3:23) sometimes and are going to make mistakes.  Secondly, we all have different children with different needs that can really take us out of our comfort zone and challenge us. Then, as you already know, there are hundreds, probably thousands, of books out there that are always trying to tell us what they think is the “best” way to parent.  Lastly, we live in a world of constant comparison.  We are bombarded with so many pressures to discipline in a certain way, to get our kids in the best schools, to have them participate in the best extracurricular activities, to get our kids to eat the best foods, and so on. Honestly, the list could go on and on.  It’s a constant inner struggle that can leave us feeling drained and deflated.

BUT, it’s not supposed to feel this way. Being a parent is one of God’s most amazing blessings and honors. He entrusts us with this great responsibility because He loves us so much. God never promised the most rewarding things would be the easiest, though. We, as believers in Jesus, are called to be set apart from the world while also still navigating what it is supposed to look like for our families in the world; that starts with our own personal relationship with Jesus.

Now that I’ve been parenting for eight years, God has given me many opportunities (ha!) to learn that this really isn’t about what I do right and what I do wrong. It’s actually not about me at all.  He has been showing me and teaching me that He is the one in control and that His grace is sufficient for both me and my children.   A few years ago, I read something that really struck a chord in my spirit: the reminder that my children are God’s children first.   He guides, protects, and leads our children in the same way He does for us as parents. 

I am reminded of God’s strength being made perfect in our weaknesses.  God doesn’t want us to compare how we are raising our children to what others are doing, and He certainly doesn’t want us feeling discouraged.  He wants the exact opposite for us.   He wants to be the one glorified in our parenting, and that can only happen when we surrender our own thoughts, insecurities, and decisions to Him. James 4:10 says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up.”  When we “let go and let God,” we receive the gift of grace that lifts us up to do the work He has set before us.  

Jesus wants us to feel equipped and prepared for the challenges we face in parenting – but that can only be done when we are in His word, learning His ways and not our leaning on our own ways. Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”   In addition, God wants us to find complete joy in parenting – and this can only happen when we seek Him first and lead our kids by His example (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Amanda Idleman, author of My Daily Bible Verse Devotional writes about trusting God with our kids.  She writes,  “Galatians 6:9 says, ‘Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.’ As believing parents we have an amazing gift in the Holy Spirit who gives us supernatural strength so we don’t grow weary.”

We don’t have to carry guilt any more about our imperfections because God can work through us and in us.  Instead, we can carry the gift of grace for the times we may mess up and rely on God’s strength for the times we need God’s love to pour through us.